What It's All About

Welcome! Welcome! Everyone under the Son!

I am excited to getting this blog going! For the past few years now, I have felt like the Lord has been asking me to share what He has given me. There are many times where He'll hit my forehead with 'A Ha!' moments, either in church and Bible studies, talking to a friend, or just in my reflections. I get so incredibly excited and want to tell everyone how much the Lord loves us! There are also times where I am struggling and have questions with elusive answers. It is to these conversations that I invite everyone.

So, what do you put in a first blog? A little about where I'm coming from? Well, I have always been in the Christian community; my family and friends have all been followers of Christ. I have been baptized as a Lutheran, confirmed as a Methodist, and attended a Catholic school for five years. If anyone I grew up with reads this, they will probably be shocked by what I have to tell.

As a kid, I remember myself as being a pure Christian with the cherished and longed for child-like faith. How I wish I could get my relationship with Jesus back to that innocent and complete bond! Back then, I knew that Jesus was God and that He loved me very much. I didn't question it; in fact, I seriously wondered how others could question it. I thankfully remained this way for perhaps longer than most because I stayed in such a Christian environment at the Catholic school.

I will admit one secret desire of the time. When listening to or reading the Prodigal Son, I would always feel a longing and maybe a little jealousy of God's love. Here was the Prodigal son, a person who had been selfish and bad (those who didn't follow Jesus' laws), and he was welcomed back with celebration and love of the father. I felt like the other brother who had always remained loyal to the father and wasn't acknowledged or loved as much as this bad kid (or so I understood it). I wanted God to rejoice and be happy with me like He was with the Prodigal son. I didn't dream of going against Jesus and being bad like the Prodigal son, but I did wish I could be welcomed back like him. Another story that made me feel the same way was the story about the Lost Sheep, where Jesus will leave all of the good sheep and use all of his might to find the one lost sheep. What about the good sheep? Again, I wanted the attention like the lost sheep, but didn't understand how to be in that situation.

In 8th grade, I made the New Years resolution to read the entire Bible. Surprisingly, I completed this goal, technically. It helped that I used a One Year Bible which had an Old Testament, New Testament, Proverb, and Psalm reading each day. Believe it or not, though, this was one of the things that started me down the Me path. That year was one of many changes: I moved from the very Christian, protected Catholic school to blunt, filter-less public school; I was entering Junior High; I was growing up. My mind was being introduced to all of the worldly things I had missed in Catholic school like cussing, disrespect, skimpy clothes, sexuality, and a questioning disbelief in Jesus. I didn't have church four times a week, either. At first, I was overwhelmed by all of this, but slowly, it became more and more normal and expected; I became desensitized. I also started studying other religions and realized that they think they are right just as much as I think Jesus is right.

I was also starting to, maybe not question, but re-think my views about God. My love and awe slowly turned to caution and fear. This happened because of my New Years resolution. Although it only took about fifteen to twenty minutes, the daily reading became a troublesome routine. Instead of reading to understand God better, it became a challenge to overcome. It was marred by constantly having to keep up my reading (Leviticus and Numbers were the absolute worst!) and make up what I had missed. If a vacation was coming up during the summer, I would either have to lug the big book around or just read double until I covered missed entries. I would look at a longer reading and cringe. Sometimes I would just glance through the reading to be done with it. Looking back, I honestly don't count that as reading the entire Bible because I didn't read it thoroughly.

For a long time, I had a bad taste in my mouth for reading the Bible. And as I mentioned before, it changed my view of God. I was reading all of the Old Testament stories of an angry, powerful God. I didn't see much love, just punishment. It introduced to me a side of God that I didn't realize existed. The open, welcoming arms of Jesus were replaced with the stern, shaking finger of God.

I never stopped calling myself a Christian, and I never stopped trying to follow the Christian way, but suffice it to say that I had mentally become the Prodigal daughter. I took control of my own life, and save for a few times of revival, I relied on my own abilities to get through problems. Being Christian was just a set of motions; you could even call it a habit. I didn't cuss, I wore clothes that fit, and I still went to church and youth. The purpose was muted, though.

I don't know if it was a year or two after this change, but I suddenly realized what kind of a state I was in. I wanted to be fully devoted to God and to feel His love like I had as a kid. I went about it the wrong way, though. I tried to fix myself. It's comical to think, but in a way, I attacked the Church with my action; I tried to get more and more involved in the youth, in Bible studies, in service, in playing keyboard for the Youth praise band, hoping that my passion would be sparked by my physical devotion to the Lord. Well, of course, it didn't work. The Lord was still silent and gone (or so I thought).

At the end of my junior year in High School, we (the praise band) had just finished playing for a banquet. We were packing up when my minister's wife came over to thank us. She asked me how playing in the praise band was, and I answered, 'good, I really enjoyed it and like playing the music'. She may not know this, but she pushed me off of my ledge and quickly put me in my place with just one question: 'and praising God?' I sheepishly murmured (shamefully lied) 'oh of course' and she started talking to another band member. Those three words were branded into my mind. I realized that I had been trying to be a better Christian, but instead of listening to God or even inviting Him, I was listening and welcoming me. I realized how selfish, prideful, and stubborn I had been. In trying to open the door to God, I had actually shut it by trying to do things my way. I had picked up the phone to call Him, but never dialed His number.

The Prodigal daughter had started back on the road home, I started to read a chapter of the Bible at night (at times, this started to become like the One Year Bible, but I would catch my mood and try to change). It would take a year, though, before I arrived home. That time was at the end of senior year, Chrysalis. This youth revival retreat was life changing; it was when I finally became truly Christian again.

Looking back, I did not mean for this entry to get so long, so I will save the Chrysalis details for another. Know, though, that I finally felt the old relationship with God once again and realized my wrongs after that weekend. It was when the seeds for this blog were planted. I wanted to at least make available my story, to warn people or (God knows) help them (and actually, writing the story out has helped me!).

I want this blog to be God's, so please feel free to leave any prayer requests that you would like to be offered. Please also leave any comments/corrections you have for what I have said. Another thing I am going to try and do is have a verse or story linked to each entry, just to help those like me who have no idea of where to look in the big Book. I ask for all of you a hug from God.

God bless,
Amanda

The Prodigal Son
The Lost Sheep